David Speranza

Occupational Hazards (excerpt)

by David Speranza

INT. FILE CABINET HALLWAY - DAY

Todd, standing at a long, open drawer sorting through files, discovers a document that’s been misplaced.

                            TODD
                    (muttering to himself)
That’s not where this belongs... What kind 
of operation are they running?

A HISSING sound causes him to look up:  It’s Meredith, standing just down the hall beneath an EXIT sign.  She waves him towards her, then disappears into the stairwell.

Todd closes the file drawer and moves warily in her direction.

INT. STAIRWELL - MOMENTS LATER

Meredith yanks Todd inside and slams the door.

                            MEREDITH
Are you going to stop or am I going to report 
you to HR?

                            TODD
What, I’m not allowed to network a little?

                            MEREDITH
Todd, this is a work environment!  Do I come 
to your gigs and jump on stage and bounce 
around shaking my tits?

                            TODD
                    (grinning)
You used to.

She steps forward, squinching his face between her fingers.

                            MEREDITH
I’m not kidding!  Stop embarrassing me in front 
of my coworkers!

                            TODD
I thought you didn’t want them to know we’re 
a couple?

                            MEREDITH
Exactly!  So stay away from me!

                            TODD
But it’s the perfect cover. 

                            MEREDITH
What is?

                            TODD
Think about it:  As long as I keep hitting on you--
and you keep rejecting me--there’s no way 
anyone’s going to suspect we actually live together.

Meredith considers the convoluted logic of this.

                            MEREDITH
That’s idiotic.

                            TODD
Maybe.

                            MEREDITH
Not to mention it makes absolutely no sense.

                            TODD
Maybe not.

She takes another moment to ponder this.

                            MEREDITH
Did you think of this all by yourself?

                            TODD
Me plus three cups of coffee.

                            MEREDITH
                    (after a pause)
You know what?  We’ll try it.  At least I’ll know 
what you’re up to.  But I don’t want to see you 
more than three times a week.  And not in front 
of my boss.  His idea of the workplace already 
dates back to the Mesozoic.

                            TODD
Deal.

They shake.

                            MEREDITH
Oh, and you’re still sleeping on the couch.
                    (opening door)
Give me at least a minute before you come out.

                            TODD
Meredith, wait, I don’t--

But she has already slipped into the hallway, the door CLANGING SHUT behind her.

He reaches for the handle.  Locked.

                            TODD (cont.)
That’s not funny!

He presses his ear to the door.

                            TODD (cont.)
Meredith?

 
INT. FAX MACHINE AREA - DAY

Meredith stands waiting for a fax while scanning its first few pages.  Sensing someone nearby, she looks up.

It is Todd, one hand on the fax machine, mischief in his eyes.

Meredith glances around nervously, sees an ASSISTANT watching from a nearby cubicle who quickly looks away.  Meredith turns back to Todd with dread.

                            MEREDITH
What.

Without a word, Todd removes his hand from the fax machine--leaving behind a red Hershey’s Kiss--then walks off.

Meredith stares at the foil-wrapped piece of chocolate.  She turns back to the assistant in the cubicle, who smiles with a knowing shrug.

                            ASSISTANT
Maybe he likes you.

                            MEREDITH
                    (sarcastically)
You think?

Meredith grabs the last page of her fax and exits.  The assistant shakes her head, then swivels around to search through a file drawer.

Meredith reappears at the fax machine.  She gives the tray a cursory look, as if searching for another document, then casually snatches the Hershey’s Kiss and moves off.

INT. COPY ROOM - ANOTHER DAY

Meredith makes photocopies while a COWORKER sorts and staples documents nearby.  Todd steps up behind Meredith.

                            TODD
A friend of mine’s band is playing at Sidewalk 
tomorrow night.

Meredith shrugs:  So?

                            TODD (cont.)
Want to go?

                            MEREDITH
                    (louder than necessary)
What if I told you the last place I want to spend 
my Thursday night is at some downtown hole 
with a strange, desperate temp from work?

Todd glances at the coworker, who has been watching but now averts his gaze.

                            TODD
Maybe you know some other holes we could 
explore?

Meredith gathers up her documents and turns to leave.

                            TODD (cont.)
Are you saying no?

                            MEREDITH
In a nutshell, yes.

                            TODD
                    (calling after her)
So is that yes or no?

INT. TODD & MEREDITH’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Todd sits on the couch working on his laptop when Meredith enters.  She walks past him and directly for the bedroom.

                            TODD
Trim any hedge funds today?

Meredith pauses at the door, casts him a withering glance.

                            MEREDITH
Do you even know what a hedge fund is?

                            TODD
Sure.  It’s like a hedgehog, only richer.

With a derisive snort, Meredith steps into the bedroom and shuts the door behind her.

Todd smiles and turns back to his computer.

ON THE COMPUTER SCREEN, a financial website displays various terms and definitions.  Todd scrolls down past “hedge fund” and to the next screen.  As he does, the computer BEEPS and a message pops up:  NEW E-MAIL. OPEN?

Todd clicks YES.

The subject line reads:  “Still looking for guitarist?”

Todd thinks about this.

---

Please contact me if you would like to read the full screenplay.